Reflections on the desire to “fit in”

Have you ever felt the desire to fit in?

I bet you have. I bet that nearly everyone has because fitting in promises a human need: safety.

Personally, I know this desire very well. When I first moved to the US as an exchange student at sixteen, I deeply wanted to look, sound, and “pass” as American as much as possible. I swapped my knitted sweaters for hoodies, my Euro-jeans for low-rise sweatpants, and even practiced saying “like” randomly in the middle of my budding English language skills 😆… ohhh, how I wish I hadn't.

I recently talked to a close friend of mine about this desire to fit in and how it's something that still occasionally comes up now in our late 30s –especially in moments when we feel vulnerable. It's like when we feel fragile, we instantly look for “our pack” and want to hide in sameness.

As we unpacked this topic together, however, we realized that trying to fit in is often a slippery slope that ends up feeling more exhausting and disappointing than comforting and safe.

In my teens and 20s especially, my desire to fit in often overshadowed my own curiosities and own authenticity. It kept me from speaking my own thoughts or expressing my own ideas because I was afraid that being, looking or thinking differently would make others dislike or judge me. I was already different enough with my accent and all.

And then as I got a little older, I learned something about myself: I was most interested in and drawn to people who challenged common ideas, who shared unique perspectives and different experiences and approaches, who had their own interesting style and looked unique… those people felt like magnets to me. Bright stars amongst a sea of beiges and blues.

Observing that (and eventually moving to NYC) I found a new freedom that gave me the courage to really explore what I liked, what I enjoyed, what stood out to me, even how I wanted to look and decorate myself. 

Fitting in for the sake of fitting in became boring and uninteresting.

And then, in my chat with my dear friend, it hit me and I found the words for a feeling I've had for a long time: I no longer long to “fit in” but I always want to be “a part of something.”

I want to be a part of a community of people who are super authentic, rich in imagination and thought, each unique and energized by everyone else's uniqueness.

The price to belong is not sameness, but your bright authenticity.

I wanted to share this with you because this realization has felt profound, colorful and fulfilling to me. Thinking about it makes me feel alive.

I know how many of you are caught in cycles of comparing, of working so hard to keep up, of wanting to “fit in," of longing to find comfort and acceptance by catching up to other people… and I am not sure that this “chase to fit” will actually make you happy. In fact, I doubt it.

That's why I want to offer you this new thought, an alternative to “fitting in” that honors, celebrates and encourages your authenticity and active participation in shaping a community that you –all of you– can actually belong to.

I'd love to hear from you and your story with wanting to fit in. Have you ever struggled with it? What parts of yourself do you keep in the shadow out of fear of not fitting in? How would you like to belong in a way that celebrates your YOU-ness?

With love as always.

Caroline