On anger. From one mom to another.
Let’s talk about a topic that hits home for many moms: ANGER.
Anger towards…
… ourself
… our spouse
… our loneliness
… our bodies whose shape, hormones and desires feel unrecognizable at times
… the lack of support, appreciation, and understanding
… the absence of tight friendships that once felt like the center of our lives
… the loss of a hip, stylish, flirty lifestyle
… the quiet slipping of romance, flirtation, and butterflies in your relationship
… the drought of spontaneity, freedom, and, ease
… the ever-lasting presence of crumbs, sticky spots, water drips, legos and socks
… the constant rush and hurry to get it all done
… the shortage of time for yourself!
AS WOMEN, anger isn’t something we are easily allowed to feel.
Collectively, for centuries, we have been taught to stuff it away, hide it, and repress it.
And yet, it IS undeniably there.
You and I both know it.
AS MOTHERS, anger becomes even less acceptable.
We are supposed to be kind, ever-patient, and loving.
It’s like the second our children leave our body and are born into our care, any edge we ever had must be rounded as well.
It’s as if with the swelling of our bodies, our temperament was supposed to soften, too.
But what if that is not the truth?
What if the expansion of our bodies was, in fact, accompanied by an expansion of our emotional range.
And what if that emotional range includes more profound love, care, passion and kindness, but also more intense feelings of anger, irritation, frustration, sadness, and loneliness?
And what if all of these intense feelings feel confusing, overwhelming, and conflicting?
What if the feelings you have as a mother bring you to your knees more than any other experience in your life ever has?
Here is the truth I have learned from accompanying hundreds of mothers through this most personal journey:
The anger that mothers feel is often at the core of their deepest shame and the carrier of guilt and regret.
What few moms seem to see or acknowledge, however, is that this anger isn’t their fault.
You are not angry because you are a terrible human being.
You are not angry because you are a bad mother.
You are not angry because you are f*ing up.
You are angry, because you are, in fact, carrying an enormous load that leaves no space for you.
You are angry because (most of) you are actually lonely, under-supported, and confused.
You are angry because you care for everyone and have forgotten/ have never been taught how to mother yourself.
You are angry because your hormones are probably still healing and all that stress is keeping you inflamed.
You are angry because your body and soul are trying to get your attention and tell you that they, too, need nurturing and love and time.
So, here is what I want you to do as we embark on 2019:
Stop fighting your anger.
Stop repressing it.
Stop trying to kill your existing anger with new anger.
Stop trying to silence your inner voice that is yelling at others, but is really screaming at you to finally pay attention to yourself.
And instead:
Create a life where anger doesn’t need to roar, because you are listening to the quiet voice that is asking for you to pay attention to you.
Begin to be kind(er) to yourself.
Forgive yourself and start fresh.
Apologize and repair where you need to.
Give yourself a chance.
Stop expecting perfection from yourself and surrender to what is.
Find new ways to ask for support so you can have 5 minutes to stand in fresh air with your eyes closed.
Clarify your desires and know what you need.
Have honest conversations with the ones you love and see how you can improve your support structure.
Spend more time touching your own body and learn to love it no matter what its size and shape.
Tell yourself positive things about yourself.
Practice gratitude.
Begin to see your own beauty (again or for the first time ever).
And lastly, be very clear about your priorities in life.
What are the crystal balls in your life? Is it your children, your marriage, your health? Or is it a spotless house and dinner at 6pm sharp?
Don’t forget: Anger roars when you feel cornered so stop cornering yourself.
If you would like a little help on the road to getting yourself back and taking care of yourself so that anger can begin to dissipate, then I’d love to invite you to check out my programs and mini-course. They are all 40% off until December 31st (the biggest sale I have ever done).
And if you’d like to work on these topics -or anything else that feels confusing in your life that you would like guidance around- more privately then I’d love for you to check out my private coaching page and the awesome deals I am offering there (also until December 31st).
with love,
Caroline
