3 common self-sabotaging patterns. Do you engage in these?
Today, I am writing to you from my office, windows open, soft music playing, moving back into my rhythm after a full summer of fun with my three little ones and a trip to Europe where we could FINALLY hug our parents, aunts, siblings, cousins and nephews/ nieces.
Needless to say it was an emotional trip that brought so much warmth to our hearts as well as a few dips into the cold waters of Swiss lakes and the ocean in Sweden.
Jumping into cold water is something I used to despise but now, in this season of ME, it feels kind of incredible:)
(Plus, my husband is from Sweden so his whole family prides itself in loving the cold water, so I am kind of proud of being able to keep up ;))
Being back in “real life" with the kids starting schools again and my schedule settling back to a more predictable routine, I also notice a need to be gentle and spacious with myself.
The news of tumultuous weather (a hurting planet?), wars (ending?), on-going Covid tensions among so many other things, are intense.
If you are feeling the same, I want to encourage you to be gentle with yourself as well. It’s easy for people who are highly empathic and/or prone to worrying, to experience a heightened sense of anxiety, so be sure to take good care of yourself.
This brings me to my post today:
As someone who takes pleasure in observing, witnessing and feeling deeply into other people’s experiences of being alive, I notice patterns often.
What I like about patterns is that we can change them, evolve them, refine them to support us in leading wonderful, full lives that feel really good.
Today, I want to tell you about three specific patterns that are often sabotaging people’s sense of success and fulfillment.
Plus, I want to share with you how you can consciously shift these patterns to set yourself up for a better experience of yourself in this life.
Pattern #1: Perfectionism
Someone said to me a few years ago: “perfectionism is the devil’s playground.” If you’ve ever been caught up in a vicious cycle of belittling yourself and feeling like nothing is ever good enough, you know that this quote is true.
Perfectionism also often causes immense stress in relationships with others as well as feelings of jealousy, envy, comparison, and at times intense fear of judgement and rejection that keeps you from doing what you’re meant to do, being who you are, and/or feeling good in the body you were born into.
For perfectionists, it’s really hard to feel like they are ever winning and to trust that sometimes life is actually pretty simple.
When you find yourself spiraling into perfectionism where you are criticizing the crap out of yourself (and everything/one around you), see if you can pause and just note that you are, in fact, in the perfectionism spiral.
Then ask yourself: How can I choose authenticity over perfectionism? Where can I surrender the fight to be or appear perfect and instead just choose to be ME more fully?
The point is to consistently practice meeting your perfectionism with kindness and authenticity so you don’t stay stuck and actually create a joyful life where you are good enough and don’t feel like you are going to bed every night with your harshest critic!
What a gift that would be. Am I right?! ;)Pattern #2: Believing your anxieties
We all have anxieties. Some people have more than others.
But more than that, some people BELIEVE nearly all of their anxious thoughts while others can keep them at a greater distance knowing that most anxieties are simply fears that are not actually the truth or a real, current threat.
Do you see the difference?
This difference is important because when anxiety runs the show in your life, it can feel crippling.
Over the last 18 months of living through COVID and giving birth to my third baby in times that have often felt overwhelming, uncertain, and full of tensions, I have experienced an increase in my own anxieties. I have to admit that it’s been harder for me to keep them at an arm’s length even as someone who doesn’t usually consider herself an anxious person.
Then, one night, it hit me: I put way too much faith into my anxious thoughts. I have allowed my fears to feel too real. I am putting too much thought into justifying why my anxieties could actually happen. It has become a negative pattern.
So I decided to counteract this negative patterns with a positive one: I practice consciously choosing positive thoughts and mantras along with simple breathing exercises where I breathe in loving energy on my inhale and exhale loving energy back into the world.
I practice this consistently every day before I go to bed and it has helped me tremendously in feeling more grounded and calm.
So if you find yourself burdened by your anxiety, ask yourself if you are giving your fearful thoughts too much faith? Ask yourself: Is this fear real? Is worrying about this fear worth it or is it stealing my energy, throwing me through a spiral and robbing me of resilience?
And then, ask yourself: What do I desire to believe? What would make me feel calm, grounded and resilient? That is your mantra.Pattern #3: Black or white thinking
A common topic in my coaching calls with my private clients revolves around seeing the grey: The thousands of paths, options, opportunities and solutions that live between black and white outcomes.
Oftentimes my clients question something in their lives and begin to wonder if they need to end a friendship, leave a relationship, quit a job, never eat sugar/ carbs again…. and so forth.
Similarly, they wonder if they are a good parent or partner, if they are successful or fit or confident enough.
It’s natural for our minds to go to these black or white judgement calls where you either meet the standard or you don’t. Black or white feels clean and definite, but rarely helpful or authentic.
Living in black or white mode doesn’t leave a lot of room for self-expression, individuality, or normal human error.
It’s very tight and judgmental in the black or white world.
In my opinion, the real depth and beauty of life live in the grey zone, where authenticity, differences, complexities, even contradictions, and definitely humor have lots of space to be explored and worked through.
Not every relationship is bad because it had a rough month.
Not ever failed project makes you a failure.
Not every extra pound makes you less love-worthy.
Spending time in the grey means softening your own judgement and looking into the in-between places to find a deeper, more expansive approach to seeing yourself and organizing your life that actually make you more fulfilled and whole.
Take a moment and think about it: Where are you caught in a black or white situation where neither choice feels good or right? Maybe your mind and your heart are at odds? Then explore the grey zone.
If these are things you are grappling with or if you’d like help connecting with yourself more deeply and authentically–who you are, who you want to be, how to take better care of yourself and your health, what kind of life or relationships or career you want to create and dedicate yourself to– you can click here to submit an application for a free coaching consultation to see if we are a fit.
Space is limited.
I’d love to connect with you and see how I can help you feel more deeply grounded in yourself and connected to who you are, because EVERYTHING in your life works better that way.
Love,
Caroline
