Who I used to want to be vs. who I strive to become now

Today, I want to take an honest look (which also means putting myself into a vulnerable place) and share with you a little something I journaled about privately the other day when I thought about how my vision for myself has changed from my early 20s to now, my mid-30s.

I left it unedited. So this feels open and raw.

Truth be told, I feel sad and also a little embarrassed about openly sharing how I used to want to be, but I also know that I am not the only one and that many women can probably resonate with it.

What feels more important to me was GETTING CLEAR and WRITING OUT and DECLARING who I strive to become now.

I would love to invite you to do the same.

It feels radically liberating.

Here it goes….

Who I used to want to be:

I used to believe that, as a woman, the way I should be was pretty (but not too pretty as to not fit in with the other women around me, or, god-forbid, draw looks of jealousy), thin and trim with a body that looked more like a budding teenagers than a full woman’s.

Oh and I should be sweet, smart, not too emotional yet connected to my emotions… except for anger and rage, of course.

I believed that I wanted to run many many miles every day so my body would look skinny and athletic (which it only did some years).

I believed that my appetite should be contained or, at least, containable, that I should be the kind of woman who just wanted a bite of dessert and then leave the rest.

I thought that guilt-tripping myself after eating something “wrong” was an effective method to motivate a different behavior the next day (I was wrong).

I also believed that there was a certain way to dress (to impress?) that would highlight the good parts of my body (like my legs) and hopefully hide the less “pleasant” parts of me (like my stomach and general middle).

I wanted to dress a certain way, because being a “modern woman with style” was something seemingly important I had heard someone say on TV when I was a teen.

I believed I wanted to be the kind of woman who was admired and celebrated yet didn’t draw a lot of criticism. Ruffling feathers wasn’t something I was interested in and I thought it better to hide my real thoughts instead of engaging into a debate.

I believed that the more “friends” I had and the more people knew my name, the better off I’d be and the more I could believe in my own worthiness and successes.

I really, really believed all of this.

Until I, bit by bit, realized that I was so bored with myself, that I was dimming my own light, that I felt so fucking vanilla that I couldn’t stand it. I realized that I was lying to myself. 

I wasn’t intentionally lying.

Maybe my “lies” were a result of what women are brainwashed into believing. Maybe my “lies” were intended to keep me safe, away from criticism or too much judgment before I was strong enough to stand above it. 

I now feel strong enough to stand above it. 

who I strive to become now:

TODAY

I want to be a full, whole, expressed woman who has as much strength as she has elegance and humor.

I want to feel part gypsy, healer, and artist, and part change-maker, leader, and fierce action-taker.

I want to have opinions and stand strongly for my beliefs and values. I want to speak up when I see someone being mistreated and I want to deeply –fiercely– care about humanity and children and the planet.

I want to think less about what my body looks and more about how my body feels. I want to feel beautiful no matter what. I want to practice a lifestyle that deeply honors my body, my emotions, my relationship to myself and everything in between.

I want to have strong legs so I can climb mountains and watch the sun set from its peak. I want to have strong arms to carry and swing around my babies. I want to have lush hair and glowing skin not from the right treatments I was sold into on instagram, but because of all the healthy food I eat and the fresh air I breathe in daily.

I want to sleep deeply not because I am so exhausted, but because my mind knows how to return to a calm, peaceful, and trusting state. 

I want my face to tell a story through all its lines and wrinkles and embrace them as part of being human. I want to shower my skin and my body –inside and out– with things that are solely, unquestionably good for it while being okay with aging and discover my new strength and wisdom in each chapter. 

I want to have long dinner parties with warm, delicious, slow-cooked meals with people who aren’t in a rush or try to impress. I want to savor a glass of red wine (and sometimes two) and pair it with the most delightful tiramisu and love every bite down to the last one.

I want a ferocious appetite for life and all it has to offer. I want to feel connected to all the magic around me. I want to feel like magic.

I want to be the kind of mother and wife and friend and daughter and coach and woman who is really, truly present because she knows how to set up her life with gentle yet firm boundaries so that she actually has time and space to fully, undoubtedly be with whom she commits to spending time.

I want to be someone who fully, fearlessly, and passionately lives her life.

I want to work hard to spread this kind of self-ownership to other women and take them on this journey with me, because I now know that we are, in fact, stronger collectively, that the planet will change if women and men and children stop being dimmed and instead own their full potential.

And then I want alone time. I want to just be with my thoughts and my feelings. I want to be present and without distractions or guilt for taking care of myself.

In other words, I want –and, maybe more importantly, am ready– to be who I really am.

The end.

I would LOVE to hear from you. Who are you ready to become? Who are you striving to be in this one precious life you got?

Love,

Caroline